Dispatches from the middle

Reading over this post, I’m realizing I’ve written it more to myself than to anyone else. I’ll post it anyway as it just might be useful for someone, but y’all been warned!

I’ve been thinking a lot about perfectionism today. I admit to being one of the oh-so-very guilty. But it’s something I’m realizing has become a terrible hindrance, and will only continue to be if I don’t do something about it. With action in mind then, my first step is to get my thoughts in order and follow up a good rant with a good list! You see, perfectionism, at least in my experience, breeds fear. And fear immobilizes (me, at least). To whip out a tired example, but certainly the one that hits closest to home – it’s been over a year and a half since I completed my candidacy exams, and I’m still nowhere near finished my dissertation. And yes, it’s not an easy process, and yes I’ve been working various jobs all that time, and yes to the whole myriad of excuses. I complain about not having enough time, and it’s a valid concern to a point, but the truth of the matter is that I’m afraid and therefore not as diligent as I could be.

Most obviously, I’m afraid that what I produce won’t be good enough. The much larger fear, however, stems from not knowing what I want to do when I’m done. After spending 12 years with one particular career path im Visier, so to speak, it’s a shocking and disturbing question mark. Also, the simple fact of not knowing exactly what I’m going to be doing for the next couple of years is a bit unsettling. This is the first time in my life I’ve not known what comes next. Then, following closely on the heels of these fears, is the fear of not knowing whether what I want to do, what I see myself enjoying, will be feasible and, moreover, will live up to the expectations – i.e. be suitably impressive, lucrative, challenging and so on – attached to the title of Dr. (or at least the expectations that I project onto the title and have convinced myself others do as well).

Now this, this is perfectionism speaking. I worry that I’ll make a decision I’m not ultimately happy with, I worry that I’ll end up wasting time, I worry that those things I “should” be doing given my education are far more stressful than I’d like my working life to be, but that if I don’t go as hard and as far as I can, people will think I’m wasting my talents. I worry my parents will worry I don’t make enough money. It goes on from there, each individual worry a little more twisted and a little less necessary than the last. It’s the desire to have everything work out swimmingly, to keep everyone happy, and to achieve the crap out of life at every stage of the game, and it’s absolutely ridiculous!

This is what the Dalai Lama has to say regarding what (or whom) surprises him the most:

“Man, because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about his future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then he dies having never really lived.”

As LC (from whose Facebook status I nipped the quote in the first place) points out, this is both “inspiring and crushing”. We all know we do it, and we all know we shouldn’t. But we all seem to think that we have no choice but to continue this way. And the worst part is, the “solution” for so many seems to lie in upping the effort – playing the game better – instead of breaking the cycle. Admitting to an overly liberal use of “we” here…

So, breaking the cycle! In my opinion, the answer is not to work less or to necessarily lower one’s standards. If it’s worth doing, it’s still worth doing well. In fact, the more I think about it, it’s looking like the solution is going to be to work more. But that’s o.k., because we’re working differently! By relieving the pressure to do everything perfectly, to live up to expectations (which are more likely than not projections anyway), to finish, to succeed, to conquer, we can get rid of the fear. And when we get rid of the fear, we TRY more, we EXPERIMENT more, we entertain more and more varied IDEAS, all of which means we DO more. We have no compunctions about staying up nights tinkering away on some hair-brained project because it’s what we love and, whether it becomes wildly successful or not, we’re happy simply to be doing it.

So. My imperfect eight-point cure for perfectionism, at least thus far:

1. Stop worrying what other people think! Why on earth should I be catering to the whims of others, the vast majority of whom are not privy to all the details, when I’m still working on my own draft of things?
2. Let go of the pressure. This is a daily battle, but victory, I think, is to be found in action. Write anyway. It doesn’t matter if you change it later. Run anyway. It doesn’t matter if it’s not as fast or as smooth as you’d envisioned. I’d say “just do it,” but I’m an Asics girl.
3. Learn to recognize what is ENOUGH in what contexts and at what stages of a process. Then do that.
4. Stay as focused as possible on the present. Responsibly planning for the future does not mean living in it or sacrificing the present for it.
5. Keep lists of resources (people, publications, organizations etc.) and of ideas, no matter how crazy they may seem. If it interests you, write it down. Don’t be afraid to do random research – it’s never wasted time!
6. Do at least one thing on a regular basis that you’re completely terrible at, but that you enjoy. Or, failing finding something you’re utterly hopeless at, something where you at least have no expectations of fame and fortune.
7. Reclaim your leisure time. Use it for leisure!
8. Put some effort into recognizing and appreciating imperfection and its not insignificant benefits.

To all (afflicted and recovering) perfectionists out there – how do you deal?

Incidentally, it is precisely this lack of pressure that I enjoy so much about running, and about running (ultra)marathons in particular. At least at the beginning, it seemed like such a lofty goal to me to run a marathon that I was happy just to do it. Keeping this level of cool and of pure enjoyment is becoming increasingly difficult as time goes on, actual goals are set, and the rest of life mercilessly gets in the way of running, but it’s worth the trouble! And I’m going to go for a painfully slow run tomorrow to remind myself of that (and to survive the heat…). I mean, really, who wouldn’t want to stop and take in the sights?