Dispatches from the middle

Day 15: Halfway through my Musing and Faffing Marathon, I’m taking a moment to reflect. A little metablogging is in order. Writing every day for whatever audience any given post may garner – thank y’all! – has me thinking about self-expression. About avenues opened up for procrastination, and indulgence, and attention-seeking too, but primarily about self-expression. When, where, and how (much). About publicizing the personal, and especially about publicizing anything that is not neutral, that could be offensive to some, or that might reveal tidbits that have thus far remained well camouflaged. The question I’m grappling with then, here as in so many areas of life, is whether to stay safe, to remain impartial, or at least diplomatic, to try to please everyone (or at least actively avoid the unpleasant)…or to, well, not.

Passing the halfway point of any marathon is cause for celebration and a time for coming to terms, as quickly as possible, with the fact that the second half is going to be a hell of a lot harder than the first. I shall step into the second half then with a list of things not yet said, but certainly thought:

1. Paul Theroux writes in Dark Star Safari, “The happy hunting ground of all minds that have lost their balance is not the works of Shakespeare (as Buck Mulligan says) but the Holy Bible” (430). I appreciate this above all for its confident and assertive irreverence. Theroux owns it.

2. I loved the independence of mind exhibited by the baby in BC’s story today. He just wouldn’t come out. No matter how many times the doctors tried to induce labor, he refused to budge. I respect that. But he also had the good sense to make an entrance (or exit, as the case may be) before the situation became problematic. That I respect as well. The child is wise beyond his 3/4 of a year.

3. I enjoy perusing lists of the world’s most venomous critters.

4. Regret! There is nothing I’ve ever done that I’ve regretted doing. There are a lot of things I chose not to do, and these choices I regret. Not in any sort of constant, crippling fashion, but every time I’ve doubted myself out of doing something, convinced myself I wasn’t capable, or taken the easy way out out of laziness or fear, there remains a seed of regret. What do you regret? Doing or not doing?

5. For all that I rail against what I imagine the expectations of others to be, fussing about how to assert myself and never actually doing anything about it, in my heart of hearts, I know that the most important people expect only that I continue to do what I do.

6. My first literary theory professor referred to Dostoyevsky as a “navel gazer”. We were talking, I believe, about narcissism. She then illustrated her point by showing the class a clip from Ren and Stimpy where one of them (I can’t remember which now) disappears into his own bellybutton. I am totally aware that I’m sliding down the same slippery slope here, but I don’t really care. I’m having fun.

7. I really love to write. It’s a bit cliché (girl with MacBook sipping latté), I know, but I really, really do. I’m even enjoying writing my thesis these days. Golly gee, I’m even liking the editing! I want this to be a constant part of my life. Not the thesis – I’m ready to finish that shit up – but the writing.