Dispatches from the middle

Last Sunday, I bonked. Badly. This rarely happens to me, but it happened with a vengeance last Sunday. The 2008 Hamburg Marathon (do not run marathons jet-lagged) came close to this level of suck, but still, no real comparison. Hamburg was easily fixed with gummi bears, a couple pretzels, and a good vomit at the end. This time, however, I was stuck on the far side of a 25km trail loop with nothing to do but waddle and shuffle the last 10km, feeling sicker and sicker and more and more pathetic, with nary a gummy bear in sight.  By the end, I was mumbling and slurring words, cold and sick and gross and basically carried back to the car. (Wenn schon, denn schon – if you’re going to do it, do it right). Heat and humidity I wasn’t used to, insufficient hydration, and pushing myself when it didn’t feel right were all to blame. Excellent company and the gorgeous (if inhospitable) day made things fun nonetheless, but it was not my finest moment. And things have more or less sucked since, whether as a direct consequence or not, I’m not sure, but the condition of spiraling suckage is certain.

When I began this blog endeavor – and I’ve never been a huge reader of blogs, have certainly never had one of my own before – I thought running would be a fantastic theme as it would allow me to explore and engage in a new way with something I love, without having to get too personal. I’ve never been one for releasing the dirty details into the void for all to see. However, there is some value in the confessional. It’s good reading, and it feels good to write. It took me a long time to learn that it’s not only o.k., but in fact vastly preferable, not to pull out all the stops to maintain a facade of perfection, balance, and achievement. In fact, admitting and sharing struggle is one of the main drivers of human connection. So I’ll happily admit – in fact, I’m dying to admit – that this last week was terrible. Sunday’s running bonk seems to have set off a chain reaction — I’ve gotten next to no thesis writing done this week, and what I did do was glaringly sub-par, it’s been all I can do to drag myself to work every day, no blog posts (until today, and I’m only writing this to avoid hauling out the ol’ diss), I’m cranky and overwhelmed, not sleeping, and worrying about things that simply do not warrant my energy and attention.

I had registered to run the Blackfoot Ultra today, one of my favourite races, but I dropped out as I haven’t run all week and wanted to be in decent enough condition to get some work done today. In all likelihood, I wouldn’t have been if I’d run. I was also going to volunteer at the race; this is a super fun group and if I’m not running, I’d love to support others while they do. Also didn’t end up doing that though, and feel terrible for it – it was a decision made at 2 am on no sleep, faced with the prospect of getting up at 5 am. When you take on too much, something eventually has to give, but I really thought I could swing this and I’m disappointed in myself.

More broadly though, I don’t like that the current balance is so fragile. It would seem that, in trying to juggle a more-or-less full-time job, a thesis, training and racing, continuing to be at least a decent friend, maintaining a relationship that I wish I could devote more time and energy to, and figuring out what on earth I want to do with my life, if and when I manage to emerge from this phase, if one thing pops off the rails, everything suffers, and it takes a monumental effort to straighten things out again. Le sigh.

I realize this is all rather banal comparatively, and that, comparatively, there are others who manage to do much more without complaining, but for me, it’s difficult. Ha. Admitted! It’s incredibly difficult, and most of the time at least a small part of me wants to crawl under a rock and hide. When this happens, I do what most geeky people do – I make lists. Which I generally don’t follow, but I make them nonetheless. Thus, because my conscience won’t allow me to complain without ending on an at least marginally hopeful note, here is a list of actions and non-actions to foster improvement:

1.     Be in bed, if not asleep, for at least 8 hours every night. Without exception. Sleep seems to be my albatross…

2.     Talk to people. My supervisors are, much to my dismay, very hands-off at this point, but I know so many people who have worked through this process successfully. Advice is out there!

3.     Ask for help; be reasonable and be specific. People can’t help you if they don’t know what you need.

4.     Don’t get hung up on quality (as counter-intuitive as that may sound), and stop seeking external approval when making personal decisions.

5.     Write in a quiet environment, away from home.

6.     Allow for crappy days. Even crappy weeks. They happen, and worrying will only make it worse.

7.     Be chill. Take breaks. Eat dessert. Get hugs. Watch movies.

8.     Channel the donkey. One foot after the other.

9.    Finally – and here’s where my tendency towards indecision plagues me – I need to be the most passionate advocate for my goals. It’s hard for others to support you in doing something you yourself are not fully committed to.

And when it comes to running, I guess, for now, the best thing for me to do is simply whatever is comfortable. The whole point is for it to be a positive addition; as soon as it becomes a stressor, it ceases to serve its purpose. My hobbies work for me, not the other way around.

And that’s my story for now.